There's no doubt about it, more than elections or the economy or
even terrorism, people's interests are rarely piqued higher than when
discussing a topic of supreme personal importance. Hair. From the
shaved heads of medieval monks to the long-haired hippies of the '60s
to the weave in the hair of today's rappers, hair has always been on
our minds as much as it's been on our heads. "It's one of the
leading ways people can establish their individuality and express their
style," says Jerome Shupack, M.D., professor of clinical dermatology at
New York University Medical Center. "Hair has had sociological
importance throughout the ages." Because of its importance,
anything that happens to our hair that we can't control-- falling out
or turning gray, for instance --can be the source of much anxiety and
fear, notes the FDA. Normal fear can propel a person to do
constructive things, like running away from a psychotic Cambodian
handyman or single-handedly lifting a Hummer off a barefoot wrangler
from the Sundance Institute, or thinking that plenty of checks in your
checkbook means plenty of money in the bank. But when it comes to hair, well, that's another story. Young
women learn how to toss their long hair when flirting, and practicing
The Hair Toss is no mean feat. It requires three things: a target, a
will of steel, and a neck. Women rush to their salons to get
their hair cut like Jennifer Anniston's or CSI's Marg Helenberger's
with stiff tendrils bristling out like wind socks in a hurricane. What
do they do, dip them in Viagra? There was a time your mother wouldn't
let you out of the house with erect hair; now we pay a fortune for that
look. Rapper Inga Marchand, better known as Foxy Brown, has a
thing for salons. Last October, she was sentenced to three years
probation and anger management classes for assaulting two salon
stylists after a dispute. Evidently, the anger management classes
failed her because on February 16th 2007, she was again arrested after
a disturbance broke out in a South Florida beauty supply store when
Brown threw hair glue at an employee and then spit on him. Glue holds
better than spit. A 12-year-old English boy, James Marshall,
suffered from fear of hair cuts, and refused to go to a barber for ten
years. His hair grew to a whopping 26.8 inches. Eventually, he agreed
to have it cut and sold on the internet with the proceeds going to
charity. He ended up with a David Beckham-style cut -- skyward spikey. Hair's
terribly important. Britney Spears rebellion was not complete until she
shaved hers all off. The rest of us dye it, cut it, grow it, shape it,
brush it, supplement it, and mourn its loss. If we have straight hair,
we curl it; if it's curly, we straighten it. If it's long, we cut it,
if it's short, we grow it. We supplement our tendrils with false hair
and extensions in an effort to look like Tina Turner. Sexy. Hairy. Yet,
when a few errant follicles are found in the bathroom drains, we get
hysterical. "Arrgghhh, hair!!!" We get on our knees to scrub the tub
and check the drain for slimy and knotty used hairs. Then there's
the Hair in Your Food Syndrome. Grown women have been known to faint at
the sight of a hair on their cottage cheese, which must be delicately
picked off, not blown off like you would a fallen eyelash on a child's
cheek. Or worse yet, a lone hair might show up in your lunch at the
Jewish deli begging the question: If there's a hair on your kreplach,
does that mean it's not Kosher?. It's even more traumatic when a hair
shows up on your tongue and you can't remember how it got there. You
can have hair of the dog that bit you, a hairy experience which makes
your hair stand on end, even get grabbed by the short hairs, but one
thing's for certain: gray hair isn't a sign of wisdom, it's a sign of
age. As women get older, we start by coloring the roots until
we're forced to color all of it. We also learn to wear bangs to hide
forehead wrinkles necessitating an effort to stay indoors on windy
days. According to the biddy section at the salon, one day we'll have
to color our eyebrows, too. Eyebrows grow longer and lashes shorter as
people age. Look at Golda Meir whose heavy, black brows gave new
meaning to the definition of "elongated." Look at Jack Nicholson whose
arched brows give a devilish expression to an angel of an actor. Look
at Andy Rooney whose hairy brows enter a room five minutes before he
does. How old do you think the Mona Lisa was? We'll never know. She
shaved her brows off in the cab on her way to Da Vinci's studio. Take
heart, not all women are afraid of losing hair. There's Signourney
Weaver, who was beautifully bald in "Alien," Persis Khambatta from
"Star Trek," voted 2003 Bald Woman of the Year, and Demi Moore, who's
equally fetching whether hairless or hairful. Despite these facts, when it comes to hair, women aren't nearly as radical as men. Some
men think it's still the sixties and allow their long hair to flow
behind them into a matted mass as they enjoy vibrational frontal
wedgies from a Harley. Occasionally, hot-blooded women have caught and
lost their acrylic fingernails in a man's tangles, resulting in today's
trend of merely running barefoot through his head. We've come
full circle, from the shaved heads of monks, to the shaved heads of
celebrities like Michael Jordan, Damon Wayans and Jesse Ventura.
Formerly hairy Michael Chiklis, star of FX's "The Shield," shaved it
all off and won an Emmy, while Andre Agassi appears to have torn his
out in a fit of masculine pique. Ving Rhames, Vin Diesel, and Samuel L.
Jackson have all achieved hairless success, leading one to conclude
that their movies could technically be considered skin flicks. Not to
mention Jack Nicholson, who was handsomely bald at the 2007 Academy
Awards. Above all, hair is nothing to fear, for, if it really mattered, John Kerry would be president. |