Look at them. Look at them and their luxuriant flowing locks. I feel sorry for them. Sorry for all of them. I don't have to worry about the upkeep and maintenance of 150,000 individual strands snaking from my head. I'm bald. I'm bald and really, really happy about it.

Don't try to tell me that it's better to have hair. That brushing or combing a full head of locks is more pleasurable than shaving and shining your chrome. You're wrong. Chrome dome is better. Chrome dome is superior. Chrome dome is sexier. Chrome dome rules.

Low maintenance. That's what my head is. I see any emerging hair on my head and out comes the razor. Can't have that. Don't want that. You can have it. You can keep it. Just give me something that I only have to worry about sunburn. No dandruff, or graying, or balding for me. I'm already bald. Bald by choice. I beat nature to the punch. Nature can go to ****.

I used to have hair. I had a lot of hair. I had beautiful hair. It was down on my shoulders. I loved my hair. Worshipped my hair. Couldn't get enough of my hair. But then my hair turned on me. Started to leave me. Acted like it couldn't wait to get away from me. That was really annoying.

But I showed it who was boss. I got rid of it before it could all leave me. Cut it all off. Shaved it all off. Goodbye ungrateful hair. Goodbye turncoat hair. You're history. You're toast. I never liked you anyway. I was just pretending to love and worship you. I only acted like I was passionate about you. I really had you fooled. Sucker.

More guys should adopt my attitude about hair. Get rid of it before it leaves you. Cut it all off. Show it who is boss. It will respect you if you do. Threaten it. Tell it you mean business. Tell it that if it even thinks about dropping out you're going to kill it. Then cut off a big hank to let it know that you're not playing.

I'm going to start a movement. Recruit everybody. Get everybody to cut it all off. Shave it all off. Gone forever. You can't trust it. It will turn on you if you let your guard down. Mine did. I'll never forgive it. I'll never get over it. The ultimate betrayal. My own hair. I own you, you don't own me. I run things here - you just live here. Punk. Better not show your face around here anymore. Better not see you in the neighborhood. Won't go well for you if I do. Better keep a low profile.

Back to the movement. Shouldn't be hard to convince other guys. Let them know what waits in store for them when their hair abandons ship. Goes AWOL. Flies the coop. They'll see things my way. We'll show those dirty hairs. Their time has past. Shiny skulls rule. Shiny skulls are the future. Hair is history. Goodbye and good riddance.